4.8.19

hiking with friends from work a few months back. i’ve developed a fondness for my co workers and workplace that i haven’t experienced anywhere else. i’m not really close with anyone, and i find myself getting quite emotionally worked up at work… lots of rough nights, disorganization, and frustration. but even through the shit storm, i find myself feeling grateful for the folks i’ve met through this quirky restaurant job. this was a fantastic hike and a fantastic day.

hiking with friends from work a few months back. i’ve developed a fondness for my co workers and workplace that i haven’t experienced anywhere else. i’m not really close with anyone, and i find myself getting quite emotionally worked up at work… lots of rough nights, disorganization, and frustration. but even through the shit storm, i find myself feeling grateful for the folks i’ve met through this quirky restaurant job. this was a fantastic hike and a fantastic day.

Last night at work, we threw a huge industry event at the restaurant and it was really hard work. Some of us didn’t leave until 2am or later. Today, five of us met at the restaurant and spent the afternoon putting the place back together and it was really exhausting. Both the event last night, and the clean up today were actually pretty fun for me. Just like any workplace for anyone, there are certain co-workers that put a bad taste in my mouth and there are management decisions that make me crazy and so on, but overall, working at The Raymond feels worth the 30 minute drive.

I think I’d like to be more transparent about my personal life on this blog. I still want to focus my posts around music, but I like that nobody reads this and writing really helps me process.

Earlier this afternoon, I was on the phone with Sarah and she asked me if Greg had gotten back to me yet. Greg is the engineer I work with in Oakland and I’m trying to pitch him my next project to see if he’ll accept, but it’s been difficult to get a hold of him. The other week I sent an email to a producer in town and asked about mixing rates. No response. I finally have the means to put together some recorded music, and I guess I just didn’t expect it to be so hard to give engineers and producers my business. I was telling Sarah that while I haven’t heard from Greg, I am making a conscious effort to understand that he has a life of his own. Greg is probably wrapped up in getting his own shit going, booking gigs, looking for consistent work, on top of his personal life, etc. The same is probably true for the mixing guy I reached out to.

I’ve always been too focused on myself to use my imagination and give people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to take it personally when I don’t hear back from folks (as we all do from time to time), but that’s such an irrational way to feel and think. If I zoom out, I can see that most of the time, when people have had delayed responses, it has nothing to do with how much they like me. Even writing this is sort of embarrassing because of how obvious the whole thing is. We all have lives. We’re all focused on what’s in front of us. I have no real reason to think that Greg has suddenly decided he doesn’t want to work with me.

I guess my current frustration is that my music is sort of my whole life, and because of what a unique and lucky situation it is with Greg in Oakland, I wouldn’t be able to accomplish my next project without him. I have this EP that I’ve written that I really want to spend the better part of this year producing, and if Greg isn’t available then I won’t really be able to see it through the way that I want to. I love the dude, I’m not mad or anything. But my ego wants to tell Greg “i know that i’m a nobody right now but if we continue releasing good shit, this will all pay off. can’t you see i’m going to be really successful someday?”. That’s my real thought process. I’m so afraid that people don’t see how special I am as a singer-songwriter… and if nobody sees it, maybe it’s because there’s nothing to see. Maybe I suck.

I’m so tired. I’m at a bar right now waiting for traffic to settle down. I’m going to go home and crash. Tomorrow morning, I have to work out, and then head to Long Beach and drop off resumes. Then I’m serving at the restaurant the next two days. I’m in the middle of a six day work week, followed by a four day wedding weekend in the Bay Area. I fucking hate weddings more than anything. I’m actually in the wedding party. I’m definitely going to be the black sheep of the group. I think all the other groomsmen know each other and they’re all very religious. I only really know a few people and couldn’t be further away from the Christian world they live in. I love the groom very much, but I hate weddings and I hate religion and I’m really dreading this whole thing.

More on why traditional marriage and Christianity are absolutely ludicrous next time :)

Ashton York