4.4.19

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I started this blog because I wanted to document my journey as a singer-songwriter in a more “down to earth” way than the highlight reel of social media. I just wanted a place to write down the weird details of my life. But lately I’ve only been blogging when I’m in a positive mental space or when I feel enthusiastic about my music. So I thought' I’d balance out the energy of this blog tonight.

Right now I feel really lonely. I don’t feel good about my songs. I have this potential project (ellwood station), but it might fall through and I’ve been really anxious about that. I’m playing a show in a couple weeks, which in itself is an opportunity I’ve been desperate for, but I feel stumped on all my new ideas and I’m tired of my old songs. I just feel down.

I went to Long Beach this evening because I’m trying to scope the town out and find a coffee shop to apply at (I’m in need of a second job). I really like LB and I could see myself living there. It’s got a great vibe. But as I sat and read my book and drank my beer, I felt myself wanting to be around people. I wished I had friends that would hit me up, but I don’t have any. I’ve made a really big effort with several people here in the greater LA area, but no one has reciprocated that effort. I felt sad and a little frustrated. I still do. I know that things take time. I’ve decided to wander down a path that isn’t very clear. I moved to a big city to pursue a big dream and I don’t know anyone so yeah. I guess this is the sacrifice I’ve decided to make.

I sometimes feel that I exhaust people or I say really stupid things that make people think I’m immature. I’ve heard people comment on my negativity. Some people have said that I have the wrong mindset about music and just life in general. I mean I’m paraphrasing, but I think this is mostly accurate to say.

But I can’t apologize for who I am or act in an unnatural way. I can only be honest about where I’m at. I feel like I’m really kind and thoughtful and I don’t know why expressing normal emotions scares people away. Yes, I’m new here. And it’s fucking scary. And I judge other songwriters and I shit on myself and I’m a long way from being decent at my craft and I’m constantly freaked out about money and it’s really hard to book shows and it’s really hard to get into the studio and I haven’t exactly set myself up for success. So. Those are the negative thoughts and feelings I deal with and I sort of thought I’d be able to find people who might share some of those emotions, but instead I feel like an outsider and like I blow it with people.

I didn’t work out today, and that could be part of the problem. I’ve been really consistent lately with exercise and better eating habits, but today I woke up late and then i locked myself out of the house for like an hour and a half and I didn’t get much done. Exercise has helped me with confidence and negative feelings, so I’m going to do that tomorrow morning for sure.

So this has been a condensed, nonsensical ramble about how I’m feeling right now.

Ashton York